home. puking in laundry basket.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you didnt know i had herpes?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
