A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
