he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I would ride that face into the sunset
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
