I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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