Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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