please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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