I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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