i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
