Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize