hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
