Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
