There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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