she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
