I cut my penus on the lid.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
