Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
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