so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
