mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
