god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
