dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
