we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
