I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
