i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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