It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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