Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
