I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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