i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
