yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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