I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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