I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
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