I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
