Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
It's rum buckets o'clock
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
