There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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