Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
