I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
