That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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