apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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