Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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