in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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