So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
