she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think I sprained my soul last night
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
