I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
