Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
