our cab driver is having phone sex.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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