My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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