Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
