Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
