two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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