my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
