ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
