we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
