I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
