Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
