I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
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