People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
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